Wilson's Web

CAT BULLETIN
My cat keeps threatening me with divorce. She doesn't approve of my life style. She says, "Who died and left you boss?" "You never take me dancing anymore!" "Why, we've been living together for two months and you haven't even given me a name." On top of this she accuses me of creating "gender confusion" by always referring to HIM as a HER. Who gives a damn? Oh, for the single life!

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CAT BULLETIN
We tried to adopt a cat to live inside but he resents my walking around as if I were master. He would attack me with teeth and claws when I wasn't expecting it. I had to dump him outside to live with our yard cat. They pretend to be enemies but I caught the conspiratorial glances between them when they thought I wasn't looking. They are planning something evil. But the joke will be on them. I left an envelope of instructions with my attorney to be opened if anything happens to me.

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CAT BULLETIN
Now that it is cooling off at night I'm beginning to understand what my outdoor cats are planning. So far they haven't made their move, but they will soon. I suspect that their plan is to take over my warm house. I think that it is not just my cats, who are scheming, but probably yours are too. These kinds of movements develop slowly and finally burst forth in an unstoppable manner. You're skeptical? Nobody believed "Occupy Wall Street" would happen, either. We probably started all this by empowering them by naming the stage play "Katz" after them. Please keep a close watch on all cats for signs of "Occupy the House" activities. Suspicious signs such as pretending to love their masters or unusual gatherings of three or more cats should be reported to the FBI.

CAT BULLETIN
When I went out to feed my two outdoor cats, I found a squirrel with his throat torn out. My wife, who always thinks the best of others, says, "Ooo! They left us a present!" But, being the skeptic I am, I recognize a Mafia type warning when I saw it. I told my wife that I thought we should notify the police about this threat. She said, "No. They would think you are just a crank." She's probably right. After all, they'd just say, "No crime has been committed. It only involves poor dumb animals." Little do they know that we are next ! So I will have to continue living in fear. More later.

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CAT BULLETIN
I had to move our new "inside cat" to "yard cat" because he is so aggressive. Not only do I distrust him but also I am afraid he is secretly turning my old "yard cat" against me. Maybe it all started going wrong when we failed to agree on a name for him. We rejected the name they gave him at the shelter and that probably made him feel like a nobody. With such low self esteem it's no surprise that he turned out to be rotten. Anyhow, he finally has a suitable name, "Terrible Tom."

CAT BULLETIN
Things seem quiet here at home with my two cats. They seem content to maintain the status quo of living in quiet desperation, but they don't fool me for a minute. Only yesterday I was throwing out my trashcan of used computer printer paper when I noticed some of the papers were shredded roughly. The shreds looked like they were made by claws instead of my shredder. I hoped to be able to read some messages so I sorted through the scraps. The only thing I could manage to read was what looked like an email address. For all we know they may have their own Facebook. See! I'm not just a kook! There really is a cat conspiracy or otherwise they wouldn't be hiding these internet activities.

CAT BULLETIN
I am feeling guilty about what I have done to my faithful old friend, my yard cat. He has been an uncomplaining part of my ambience for 10 years. In all that time I have never had any reason to distrust him. Of course we have had disagreements about where he should poop and where he should throw up; nothing really bad. But when I evicted Terrible Tom I also created the circumstances that produced all these problems.
Terrible Tom now is in constant contact with my old companion, Pantera. Terrible Tom really treats Pantera very meanly. Pantera is afraid of Terrible Tom and has to do as he is told. So it really is my fault that Pantera has been pushed into joining the enemy and turned against me—perhaps against all mankind. I have failed to give Pantera a healthy, happy home life and so it is no wonder that he is turning out to be rotten, too.
Is there any danger animal services will haul me into court for creating a delinquent? Do you think it is too late to bring in counseling to alleviate his problems? If I had paid more attention to the spiritual life of cats, I might be able to find pastoral counseling for him. If I do nothing, not only will I be racked with guilt but I may suffer from physical assault. Cats can be difficult! I visited a psychiatrist to try to find a way out of this mess but he was no help. He was on their side.

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CAT BULLETIN
I just thought of a wonderful penname that I will use in the future, "Jonathan P. Slow."

CAT BULLETIN
Another night of terror has past awaiting the horrible events of this coming day. My cats are always waiting for me at the door so I've taken to crawling out the window at the far end of the house for fear of an ambush.. I'm getting desperate, afraid to leave the house. I could simply follow Paul's advice and "take out" both of my two treacherous cats, but I am afraid. I have noticed the signs of cat infiltration in the neighborhood so if I killed my cats the other ones might wipe out my family in retaliation.

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CAT BULLETIN
As the "Arab Spring" fades into the background, I fear there is a "Cat Fall" developing an international movement for the feline commoner to demand his personal rights. Both my cats are yard cats and stay outside but I still worry that they will find a way to sneak into the house at night. You just can't trust cats, can you? I have started doing an inventory of the kitchen knife drawer every morning. It's not that they have actually done anything suspicious; it's just that I have this premonition that they are trying to develop "weapons of mass destruction."
Be sure that your knife drawers are secured at night or you might be guilty of aiding our enemy. Yesterday I noticed a water testing cart sitting unused near a swimming pool. People forget that cats were scavengers originally and would have learned all about bacterial weapons. Does your water taste differently these days? They will want you to believe it's because fluoride has been added. If that were the true explanation the water wouldn't taste so much like cat shit. Do you ever see where cats "do their business?" Of course not; nobody does. It may be their secret but we know they are making their deposits. Don't forget to test your water for protection against our enemy.

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CAT BULLETIN
Joy, a Founding member of our Paranoids R Us, is Chief of Intelligence Gathering for us in the EU. She has reported continuing developments of serious concern to us. A disturbing calm has descended over Barcelona, the capital of CATalonia. Always a center of dissatisfaction with the Spanish government. The people there seem afraid to travel freely in the streets. It's as though there were a new public terror lurking in their district. At the same time there seems to have been an explosion of the cat population. Not surprisingly, the police have been unable to deal with the surge in disturbances of the peace. There are rumors that truckloads of rats are being imported secretly from Eastern Europe but that sounds like a desperate solution. The security problems that Barcelona faces have been placed on the U.N. agenda but nothing is really likely to happen soon. We find it reassuring that one of our founding members of Paranoids R Us, Lila, is Chief of Intelligence gathering for the West coast. She is helping us maintain close vigilance on the cat colony on CATalina Island. It is there that the elite hang out and it is this elite, who are supplying necessities to our enemies across the country and even the world. The Catalina enemy has the resources to help the rest of the cats develop Weapons of Mass Destruction. Lila is watching very closely for any suspicious activities between the cats on Catalina and those in Silicon Valley. We are even monitoring the volume of food that they stockpile to make sure they are not transferring large amounts to the enemy camps.

CAT BULLETIN
If those two men dressed as cats, or two cats dressed as men, come back again today, should I shoot them?

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CAT BULLETIN
I have become increasingly concerned about the large number of cats in our neighborhood. Is there a large increase of cats in your neighborhood, too? I hope not. But, at any rate, there sure is a hell of a lot of them in mine. The question is why? Did cats suddenly decide that it is fashionable to have frequent sex and large litters? But, on looking closely at these strange cats, you see that they seem different from ordinary cats. There is something about the way they stand motionless and stare at you. Of course I don't get too close to them because I'm afraid of their poisonous bites and scratches. They look like they were just planted there as observers or monitors. When you look in their eyes you get a steel like glint reflected back at you. They hardly seem real. In fact, it has occurred to me that these are clones of real cats or maybe even robots made to look like cats.
Perhaps some crazed scientist is allied with them? Somebody must be helping them, be they Muslims, Fundamentalists Christians, Communists, Republicans or maybe even those pesky Liberals. God forbid that they could be Aliens! Anyway, we need to be sure we have firm legal prohibition of cloning, especially of cats. If some of these cats turn out to be "bots" it will be harder to deal with the problem. My friend Paul's advice seems better to me every additional day I live in terror "Take out all the little bastards." After we get rid of the cats then we can deal with the real source of all Evil!

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CAT BULLETIN
I go outside as little as possible these days. When I do go out I sneak out the back window hoping to avoid Pantera and Terrible Tom. When I do go out it's no better. The two cats disguised as men or the two men disguised as cats still follow me everywhere. They walk behind me and snicker. I even heard one say to the other, "He sits down on the toilet seat when he pees." Another time I heard them telling strangers that I was a cross dresser. They control my thoughts most of the time even though I line my hat with aluminum foil. And the lascivious thoughts they inject into my brain! They are so unbecoming for a 91 year old gentleman that I can never tell anybody about them even though they are very stimulating and not altogether unwelcome.

CAT BULLETIN
Don't feel too badly if you have been seduced by one or more cats. But you have to be careful. Look what happened when Hemmingway fell in love with cats. During his years in Key West he collected cats. There were so many of them by the time he died that he found it necessary to provide for them in his will. But the worst part of it was that these particular cats had the "Mark of Cain" on them. Their six front toes, instead of the usual four should have been sufficient warning. Now they freely roam all over the town and are protected by law better than human residents. Key West declared the Conch Republic a couple of decades ago and seceded from thee USA. And who do you think was behind that idiotic treason? Of course, Hemingway's cats. The rebellion was pretty well put down but the cats still are free to do as they please in Key West. Don't let the same thing happen in your town.

CAT BULLETIN
My yard cat Pantera is all black. Black cats were once the vogue. But they failed to maintain their favored position in America. They let the connection between them and the Dark Forces become public knowledge, like when they posed with Witches at Halloween time. Still I trust Pantera much more than Terrible Tom. I know Terrible Tom is closely allied with the "Forces of Evil', while Pantera is just a victim of the company he was forced to keep. OK, so my thinking is sometimes vague, but that makes it easier to maintain your prejudices. Anyhow, I looked up "Forces of Evil" on Google and all I got was that "Forces of Evil" is the name of a rock band.

CAT BULLETIN
I just noticed for the first time the peculiar markings on Terrible Tom. He is a beautiful cat but has these strange characters on his back that seem Semitic. They undoubtedly are Kabalistic, but could be Hebrew or Arabic letters. On the other hand they could be Hindi letters or even from some ancient CATalan alphabet. We may never know what they signify but I bet the other cats do. Maybe I have the equivalent of the Dalai Lama living in my garage, who knows? Now, I study every cat I see to see if it bears a secret message. If I can only learn to uncover their strange ways of communication I'll have a better chance of defeating them. Perhaps we could start training newborn kittens to depend upon us and be obligated to us. Then we could have them infiltrate the cat society institutions that the cats use to promote terrorism.

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CAT BULLETIN
Tell me there is no collaboration between cats and the government! Bullshit! Cats used to have to shift for themselves. They had to supplement their diet of leftovers with mice and rats and an occasional bird. But now the government is obsessed with passing laws that require all owners keep the cats inside the house. Now the cats are neither useful, nor entertaining. Their leisurely lives are devoted to sitting around licking their fur and planning insurrection. Naturally, when they get a chance to communicate with one another it will be to plan their takeover of the country. Like all agitators, they never realize how good they have it.

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CAT BULLETIN
I found some strange looking leaves in the garage this morning. Maybe it's catnip? I don't know what catnip looks like or what it smells like. Whatever it is, I'd have to guess the cats brought it in from outside. Now I've got something else to worry about. Is there a cache of catnip somewhere out in the yard? Did they plant it? Maybe it's not catnip. Maybe it's marijuana. If the cops find it, can they arrest me for what my cats do? All you have to do is look in their eyes and you can see they are "on" something. These cats are too much! And by the way why should using marijuana be illegal and catnip isn't? These cats have a lot more influence than anybody realizes. Be careful!

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CAT BULLETIN
Over time I have come to realize that there is something sneaky going on between cats and our government. How else can you explain why the government gives financial support to all those cat shelters? Who then, is our government looking out for? It has become increasingly clear that our government doesn't have the people's interests at heart.
The government doesn't take taxes from cats. It doesn't even make them file forms like we have to do. Do you even know your cat's social security number? Why are their numbers so protected while ours have to be put on almost every form you fill out these days? The collaboration is deep and secret. Only occasionally will a clue appear such as a politician with a name like Katz emerging briefly on the scene. Have you read or even heard of cats being accused of terrorist plotting? No matter what these cats do they are treated as if they were benign. Would be terrorists should take lessons from them.

CAT BULLETIN
Everybody knows that the government keeps track of where we are every minute of the day because they can see us from the satellites poised over our heads. They have this one problem though, they can't see through our rooves to know what is going on inside our houses. They need somebody inside the house to keep closer track of our activities. Listening bugs are insufficient for maintaining full surveillance. They have to "see" what we are doing in our homes.
The animal shelter that supplied cats for adoption admitted that all their cats had microchips installed under the skin. These chips supposedly track the cats. Maybe, but they can also work in the opposite direction. Be careful not to let your house cat see what you are doing if you want to keep it secret from "Big Brother. They're all a bunch of shifty buggers. Best not to let them in the house at all. I don't and still my wine started tasting "funny."

CAT BULLETIN
Cats used to be non descript chew toys for dogs when I was a kid, so what I encountered at the humane society was shocking. There were black cats and white cats, even some old fashioned tabby cats. Then there were cats identified by the exotic parts of the world in which they originated. It used to be that if you'd seen one cat you'd seen them all. Now the infinite variety amongst them makes you wonder where they all came from. You also can't help but think that the garden variety cat has been squeezed out marginalized.
Isn't there any control over immigration? The Afghans, the Persians, the Tibetans, and God knows what else prance around as if they owned this country. Native cats are discriminated against. There aren't enough mice to go around, so guess who suffers! What right do these newcomers have to take over this country? We could ship them back if we knew where they all came from, but that would be difficult.
It probably would be no injustice to ship all the black cats back to Africa. Normally, there would not be any need to get rid of the white cats, but therein lies a dilemma. Most of the beautiful white furred cats are Persians. We need to stamp out terrorism and so the Persians have to go, too. It might be best to carve out a region in the Middle East and find some Semitic shepherds to look after them. We could send lots of money to their caretakers and then leave them alone to work things out as they please. And the Cubans have taught us not to neglect the danger of invasion of the East coast. We need to send Special Forces throughout the Caribbean Islands to sanitize them get rid of the cats. If we don't, we'll have another failed Bay of Cats' when it's too late.

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CAT BULLETIN
Paul probably is right when he writes in Facebook "It's time to take them (cats) out." He doesn't mean anything as nice as, "take them outside." Sadly, I have reached the conclusion he is right. It's pretty much US or THEM. We should start by eliminating all gun control. Any previous legislation regulating gun ownership or use should be declared null and void. Then a few simple laws would mandate that it is a misdemeanor not to shoot any cat seen on public or private property. Another law would establish a fund for paying a bounty for each dead cat presented to the authorities. There should be another law forbidding any public display or demonstration of sympathy for this dead scum.
Probably another desirable law would promote the breeding and training of an elite cadre of Pit Bulls that would roam the country at will and patrol our streets at night. Existing Special Services personnel would be able to eliminate any remaining pockets of resistance once these laws have had time to restore the people to their rightful position as masters.

CAT BULLETIN
Since time immemorial cats have been breeding within themselves to create a highly effective fur antigen that would provoke an allergic reaction strong enough to kill humans. But they seem to have had to settle for a fur that provokes no more than a nuisance reaction. They have probably given up on building up that arsenal. By now it is widely recognized that the American government planted AIDS in the African community. They used monkeys to transmit the virus that time.
Now they are experimenting with using cats to transmit viruses with no known antidote. It is public knowledge that cats are heavily infected with two viruses that are deadly to them. So far, the cats have not been able to transmit the viruses to humans through daily contact. But, both the cats and the government are probably trying to develop a form transmittable to humans. Something went wrong with the scheme to transmit the virus to people and the cats ending up dying for nothing.
Do you think they are going to take that laying down? No, they will find the transmutation that will make the humans the target. Former friends in the government are non gratis and the goal of infecting ALL humans is in place. Doesn't it make you wonder what's in flu shots when Medicare offers them free? The most elite cadre of dogs has not been able to sniff out the locations of their stockpiles. The only protection for us is to destroy the cats without pity. All of them are our enemy and so we should feel no pity for them. Get them before they get us!

CAT BULLETIN
Dorothy just gave me an idea. Since the enemy of our cats is rats, why shouldn't we make friends with the rats? Surely the rats hate the cats as much as we do. It's kind of disgusting to think of having rats for friends but when you are desperate, then you do what you have to do. After all rats can sneak around just as well as cats to gather intelligence, maybe, even better. At least we wouldn't have to worry that the rats would sell us out since they are mortal enemies of the cats, the allies of the government. Besides, no one will forget the superior ability of rats for destroying their enemies with plagues! And if we don't side with the rats, they might join in an alliance with the cats and the government and then where would we be? In the meantime, don't even trust rats.

CAT BULLETIN
If a dog comes soliciting at your door please give him something more than just a bone. We have tried to use the natural enemies of cats in this fight to control them. Attempts with rats and pythons have failed so now we are trying to mobilize dogs. They are not very smart, not worthy adversaries, but there are a lot of them. We have to do something to protect our families and ourselves. Encouraging dogs we may not be a good way to go. Empowering them to out breed us can prove dangerous in time. But, taking a page from the cats, we are cultivating some of their cat specific viruses. This plan calls for modifying the viruses so that they will decimate the dogs, thereby restoring our God given dominance over this planet.
It may appear that we would be unfair to use our allies, the dogs, in such a heartless manner. But you must remember that the rules of warfare employ these new strategies. First you give them material assistance in the form of AID grants. Then you provide, military assistance in the form of weapons and arsenals. Finally you involve them in some real or imagined national threat. Then you back up the allies with a few warriors, and, sit back and wait for the squabbles to restore chaos.

FINAL CAT BULLETIN
Do you ever feel that half the world is against you? Well, I do. Suddenly I know "Why?" It's because the people who have been supporting and helping the cats all this time are women. It's a sexual battle. We just learned this when the secret cat scrolls were deciphered. The Plan of the Elders of Zion was just a cover for an alliance of women with cats. So what it comes down to is to choose sides with the Government/Military or Cats/Women. At this point I have had to re evaluate my commitment. I confess I prefer pussy to bombs any day. And, as you may have guessed, I fell in love with a cat. She's a patriotic American and Christianized. What more could I want? We will be together in Puerto Morelos. If you want to meet her, drop by Cantina Habanero. I'm switching sides and this will be the end of my paranoid escapades. If you see Pantera or Terrible Tom slinking around in the streets, please tell them to come home. It was all a misunderstanding. I might be working undercover for them in the future. So I will have to remember to change my Facebook cat portrait. Goodbye to the CAT BULLETINS. I'm getting tired of them, too.

CAT CHRONICLES

Trials and Tribulations with Cats and my Subsequent Rescue-- An assembly of Postings on Facebook by Wilson Gordon along with reader's Comments.