TEACHER
One, who teaches students the Truth, spends his lifetime telling lies!

POLITICIANS
Politicians acquire wealth and power so that they will be given the respect that they feel they don't deserve.

DEATH
Fear not Death for it is merely the end of one series of phenomena. Nursing at your mother's breast, daddy kissing your boo boo, sisters with arms entwined, all had their place in time, but they are phenomena that have passed. We cherish the recollections but should not expect them to be repeated. These phenomena are still alive and potent because these recollections brighten your life. Life is nothing more than a plethora of phenomena-- a series of them. but each passes back in time. So too does the sequence of phenomena called "a life" terminate and recede back into time. Rejoice in recalling the sequence of phenomena that constitute your loved one's life. Although the loved one is gone, the sequence of events called "life" lives on in our hearts. He who remembers the phenomena of a past life with joy, enriches his own. He who yearns to return to the "old days" impoverishes his present life.

MY WIFE
I am naught but an ember in the shadow in my wife's splendor.

HEROES
We hear a lot being said about the heroes dying for their country. The undisputed heroes are those who fight to liberate their lands from foreign invaders. The invaders, who die abroad are just unfortunates, betrayed by their own countrymen.

MY PRAYER
I pray that God will send the jackals to desecrate the graves of all the Zionist bastards in this world, and may all their offspring be born with imperforate anii!

IRAQ
Centuries of Mesopotamian history has taught us that there are two ways to rule IRAQ: Rule with an iron hand, or, Rule briefly.

HAVE A GOOD DAY
People have "good" days and "bad" days. I don't have good days and bed days. I just have "old" days. Old days are better than "no" days!

BEING
As you act, so you are.

A STRANGER
My wife says I'm a stranger-- I get stranger all the time.

GOOD PEOPLE
Don't you hate it when BAD people do BAD things to GOOD people? I hate it even more when GOOD people do GOOD things to BAD people.

DECISIONS
Man is a decision-making animal,
but most of his decisions are made by his gonads.

DECISIONS
Man is a decision-making animal,
but most of his decisions are made by his gonads.

AZZA'S CARETAKER
My hope is that Azza's caretaker, Rose , will celebrate my next wedding with me, or, mourn me at my funeral-- whichever comes first.

SOON
One day soon I'm going to slide off the edge of the world and become stardust.

IN AMERICA
The Ultimate mark of success is to overdose or to die of cirrhosis of the liver.

THE WORLD
Foresight and foreskin are what makes the world go round.

STILL GOT IT
Even if I can't still piss a stream, I can write books

GRAY CELLS
The old gray mare ain't what she used to be, neither are the old gray cells.

BE FAIR
I'm usually considered as being fair with others.
That doesn't mean I'm not prejudiced--
only that I'm fair about my prejudices.

AUTHORS
A Good author can write about nothing and make it interesting.
A Bad author can write about something and make it uninteresting.

SUCCESS
Success is less about your luck at drawing cards than
it is about how well you play them.

DECISIONS
Life is so full of decisions!

MOTHER
My Mother shot me down with all those pesky diaper changes.
She kept me from being the President of the United States.

MIRRORS
If you don't see your best friend when you look in the mirror, then change mirrors.

DECISIONS
Other people and circumstances usually dictate the decisions taken. It's rare that we get to make free choices.

ACADEMIA
There are three noteworthy types on university faculty members; There is the rare scholar who sets unachievable standards for the others. There is the teacher who funnels knowledge into half-interested students, and There is the hack who gets by with smiles and pleasantries, and he serves as a target of enmity for the other types.

GOOD SHIT
We all have good shit and bad shit passing through our minds. The difference between an author and others is that the author writes down the good shit.

DEMOCRACY
America wants democracy in the Middle East. and
will support whichever dictator will give it to the people.

PETTINESS
When we grow old our lives are replete with pettiness.

ELIMINATE UNEMPLOYMENT
Make caffeine illegal so we can move users to our jails. Then start another war and draft the remaining unemployed into the army.

AUTHORS
The difference between authors, and preachers or politicians is that authors disseminate their bullshit sitting down at a desk.

AGING
The only advantage to aging is that it absolves you from consequences. There is no future, no tomorrow. Enjoy today and give thanks.

GIRLS
Girls are mean. They withhold what us men want, and
then demand more of it than we can give!

ALLERGIC
He can't be all bad-- he's allergic to cats and wives.

THINKING
I do my best thinking when I keep my mouth shut!

SELFISH
The selfish man can only pretend contentment.

THE BODY
From the dust we are created, and as feces we will return.
Only our molecules will be re-arranged. We will still be shit!

CANTINA HABANERO
The Cantina, where men kiss and women shake hands.

REASONING
Reasoning is a poor adversary to pit against impulse.
A man cannot sit on his front porch all his life, and
still know his place in the world.

SENILITY
You have to become old, but you don't have to become senile.

WE NEED
It seems to me that what this world needs is
a little less patriotism and a lot more humanity.

WINE AGAIN
Age can't make a "bad" wine "good." But, youthfulness can make a "good" wine "bad."

THE WORLD
A young lad's view of the world depends less upon his venue than upon his imagination.

AUTHORS
Women authors become successful because they are loving, romantic and kind. Men authors become successful because they are gross, sexist, and obnoxious.

RELIGION
The purpose of religion seems to be to prevent us from experiencing gratification.

THE TRUTH
May God protect me from the chosen ones, who know the "Truth!

MY MESSAGES
I've spent my life sending unwelcome messages to unwelcoming people.

TEACH
The best thing you can ever do for your child is to teach him to love reading novels. If you don't, you will have to endure another dullard in your world.

CONTROL
We think we control things; we don't. Things control us.

A REMINDER
Once in a while the cold breath of Death blows over me
to remind me how much I have to loose!

COURTS
When you go to a civil court don't expect "justice."
You will get a "judgment."

OLD MEN
Suggestion can make old men vigorous with desire.
but, suggestion can discourage the best of them,

FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Forbidden fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.

I'M GOOD
The best I can say about myself is that I don't always do things right, but I don't always do things wrong, either.

ANTICIPATION
"Pleasant Anticipation" is the key to understanding all gratification, especially about sex. As the kid, banging his head with a hammer, explained:
"It feels so good when I stop!"

ROMANCE
If your lover isn't a romantic, keep on wasting your time looking for one.

CHARITY
Give a poor man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Deny him a fish and he will pester you for a month.

SATIATION
I'm one of the fortunate, who has never known hunger.
Therefore, I can tell you that idealism and virtue are better than a full belly!

GROWING OLD
The Trick to growing old gracefully is to recognize that tomorrow will be different.

CLEANLINESS
The woman who keeps a clean house, wears dirty underwear.

CONTENTMENT
Contentment is to appreciate what you had, and what you have, while ignoring what you might have had, or what you could have had!

GARLIC
You've heard the expression, "Eat lots of garlic-- it keeps you healthy." I figured out where the saying comes from…If you eat a lot of Garlic, sick people will keep their distance!

MOTHER
What a wasted life my mother had! My father was always gone from home and I wasn't.

JUDGEMENT
By what a man doeth, shall he be judged.

GYMS
What do you call an all-male gym? A ballroom.

LONGEVITY
Another secret of my longevity is refusing to eat
things that are good for you-- like broccoli.

CHANGING THE WORLD
I really never wanted to change the world.
I only wanted to scratch a few of its itchy spots!

LYING
I'm a good liar. I'm good at telling the truth too, but I don't get much practice with it.

LAUGHING AT OTHERS
Don't judge a person as "bad" because he laughs at the foibles of others, as long as he laughs harder at his own.

THE BEAST
The sexual beast in us only impresses a small footprint, but casts a tremendous shadow over all our lives.

BREASTS
Breasts are there to keep us men focused when they're listening to an otherwise boring woman.

RELIGION
People give religion a bad name.

PROESSIONALS
Professional enterprise can be divided into two.
There are the "Creators" and there are the "Promoters."
Label them, as the doers and the bullshitters.
Unfortunately, us doers reap too few rewards.
I have never been a promoter, so I struggle through life
without recognition.

PEOPLE TYPES
There are two types of people in the world,
The ones who eat "first class," and those, who eat their leftovers.

DEATH LOSSES
I'm appalled at the loss of information when a scholar of importance dies. His understandings and truths are relegated to the trash bin labeled "History."

MEN
If you leave it to a man to determine a woman's destiny,
she will be screwed doubly.

OLD MAN'S BAD DAY
I'm having an "eggshell day"-- I'm walking on them!

FATHER TO SON
If I don't beat you or give you money, how would you know that I love you?

SHOW DOG
I used to have a "Show dog" named Lady Judith.
She would lift her tail and show everything.

ALEXANDER THE GREAT
Why did Alexander the Great conquer the world?
Because he had an army.

CYNICS
Only us oldsters have earned the right to become cynics.

INTENTIONS
Good intentions and bad equipment can lose a war.
Bad intentions and good equipment will lose it quicker.

THE FUTURE
If you are unable to control the present, you cannot plan for the future.

DEATH
When you are 95-years-old, and Death is knocking at your door, it is not for a friendly visit.

OCCUPATIONS
Other people work. I drink wine-- that's what I do!

WHO AM I?
You may wonder who I am. I am what other people think I am, and I am what I think of myself, and I am what I am inside.

THE LOSER
I missed out on the Key West Hemingway look-alike contest. Now I'm entered for the Omar Khayyam contest, but I can't afford all that wine for the practice sessions.

STD
The first rule for STD patients is "Be careful what you eat."

OPPORTUNITIES
Good Opportunities attract bad people.

LIFE
Somebody said, "There are no guarantees in life."
He was wrong. There is one guarantee-- Death!

LIFE
If the flesh weren't weak, life wouldn't be any fun.

OLD PEOPLE
Why do old people fart so much?
Ans. Because they have nothing better to do.

MEN
Why didn't God create men perfect?
Ans. So he could have a second shot with women.

CREATIONISM
God should have created man with more heart and
smaller biceps. Oops! I forgot, He did. He created women!

FAME
You don't have to die to become famous, but It sure helps enhance your reputation!

SLAVERY
A kindly slave master is preferable to a mean lord.

KILLER
My wife is a serial killer. She knocks off a box of cereal every week.

HISTORY
All cultures use history to hide the truth about the ignoble actions of their forefathers.

MY WAY
I don't always get my way. I find that nature and a wife obstruct me.

AGING
When I was young, my body used to follow me around unobtrusively like a shadow. Now that I am old, it constantly nags me for attention.

GENESIS
Authoring a novel is much like giving birth to a child.
Your juices cast around in a formless mass, seeking definition.
After a few months the bony tissue takes form and plants you firmly in the game. You wait a few more weeks and the amorphous creature starts moving. From that point on you can't wait to see what the precious package will look like.

WINE
Bottles of wine are better than ampules of tranquilizers and heaper!

THE WORLD
The world has expanded during my lifetime from being
an incomprehensible one with tiny unimportant countries,
to become a small world of important neighbors.

ALLIES
The more we supply our allies with military weapons to defend themselves, the more their citizens protest. Maybe we are doing something wrong? Maybe we don't get the message!

DO IT!
Don't put off until tomorrow what you can drink today!

INDIVIDUALITY
I have always been "an individual in my own right."
But my wife reminds me that I have really been
"an individual in my own wrong."

PREACHERS
I have always despised the bible-thumpers,
who seek out ethnic and cultural distinctions
to obscure the brotherhood of man.

PROHIBITION
Guilt supplies the destructive nutrients that encourage useless sacrifices to blossom.

MULLAHS
Even as a good Muslim, I doubt the worth of mullahs,
whose claim to virtue is that they have memorized the Quran.
Understanding people and dedication to the spirit of Brotherhood surely count for more than some old words.

FUNDAMENTALISTS
Nor do I appreciate the Bible-thumpers who, search for Scripture to justify their invidious prohibitions. They prevent their people from enjoying life.

THE PALESTINIAN
To be a Palestinian is to be like a mule, circling the circular mill, mindlessly grinding his master's grain.

EXCUSES
Excuses never undid a bad action.

FRIEND
A friend, who diminishes you is not a "Friend."

DIRTY OLD MEN
What's the difference between a "dirty old man" and other old men?
Ans. Us other old men keep our flies zippered.

AN AUTHOR
No author ever continues to be the same person after putting his soul on the line by publishing, He cannot deny or suppress what he has admitted to publically.

WISDOM
Wisdom is only an obfuscation of the facts that we already know.

MOTHER
If your mother is happy with you, then you will have learned to please God.

NOBILITY
Nobility of soul is based in putting the welfare of others above your own.

NEIGHBOR
If you come to my home as a friend, you will be invited to enter like a brother.
If you tell me how to live my life, you will be stopped at the door.
If you tell my family how to live, you will find a knife at your throat.

LIFE
If your life has passed by, like the numbered pages in a book, then you have lived a good life. If your life included disruption and disorder, then it was interesting. If your life was chaotic and desperate, then you have lived the life of a saint.

SOLDIERS
Soldiers seldom have time for noble actions--
they are too busy saving their asses, and that is not a noble action.

LIFE
Life is not about being perfect, or even being fair;
it is about getting by as best you can!

PITY THE ANCIENT
The tear of the centenarian drips down his cheek as he begs for one last drop of milk from the tit of the mother, who has been long dead.

KNOWLEDGE
Knowledge doesn't distinguish great people---understanding does.

LUCK
Man often invokes "luck" as the reason for his failure,
but seldom acknowledges it as a reason for his success.

INTERNET
Life without books to read, is bearable only if you have a dependable Internet provider and an electronic reader.

HIDING
A person with an evil heart hides behind words of flattery.
A person of good intentions hides behind acts of charity.

OPINIONS
Some people act like they know everything, and that their way is the only correct one. Others despise them and so do I.
I just hate opinionated people!

TEACHING
Anybody with patience can teach subject matter.
Only one with impatience can teach inquisitiveness and doubt.

HISTORY
History books are written in black and white. History is not!

OLD GENTS
We men used to be able to hit where we were looking.
Now we hit where we're not looking.

SAFE SEX
Sexual contemplation brings pleasure. Sexual action brings disaster.

95th BIRTHDAY
So what did my family give me for my 95th birthday? Sponge cake!

NOISE
Roosters that have the least to crow about, make the most noise.

GENEROSITY
The birthplace of generosity is the soul, not the pockets.

GOD
I fear God, but not so much that I am intimidated by Him.

THE END
When I saw the guys coming with the shovels,
I thought I should start moving around a bit more.

AVOID
Avoid people whose acute stress is a chronic condition.

WISDOM
If you want to learn something, then go East.
If you want to expostulate something then go West.

LADIES
Sex is just something ladies have to put up with to have children.

SEX
Sex serves three purposes:
To produce children,
To provide entertaining activities, and
To give law enforcement officers porno web postings
To watch when not busy setting up entrapments.

MAN'S WORLD
It's still a man's world. There's no point in denying it.
We are chauvinists and take advantage of it. Enjoy it while it lasts!

ACOLLADES
Throughout my professional life I have avoided ceremonies that bestowed praises on the underserving; I abhor such special recognition.
I contributed that which I believe was constructive to man's understanding. I require no medals!.

OLD AGE IS NOT ALL THAT BAD
It used to be my job to take out the garbage on pick-up day when I was an adolescent. I could never remember to do it on the appointed day so my father had to remind me most of the time. But, now that I am old, I always remember to put out the garbage on pick-up day. I am amazed at how much my memory has improved over these many years!

AROGANCE
At times I may appear to be arrogant, but I'm not. It's just that I'm always right!

LIFE FOCUS
When I was 20 my whole focus was on my cock.
Now that I am 95 my whole focus is on my noontime wine break.
The only regret I have is the long wasted lifetime in between that I spent on academic and professional pursuits.

MEXICO
Where the TECATE flows--That's where Wilson goes.

I'M SORRY, CHILDREN
I must leave you. I'm sorry that when you reach out for your Daddy's hand that it will not be there, and you will find yourself deserted, alone, and among strangers. I'm sorry your tears will not turn to laughter as you once again grasp the hand that helped you know that everything was alright. I'm sorry I must leave you.

RETORT TO VEGITARIANS (Leah and Nadia)
If God didn't want us to eat animals, why would he make steaks so tasty?

GOOD PEOPLE
I abhor "good people."

MY CYNICAL VIEW
Living is just stuffing food in one end of a tube and waiting for it to come out the other.

CHILDREN
When our children are "kids" they are ours. When they grow up they establish their own long histories and they are no longer ours.

PREJUDICE
I'm not prejudiced. I try to offend everybody equally. (I'm sure someone has said this before; if not, someone should have.)

SIN
If you haven't committed a big sin, at least you felt the Devil's hot breath!

ME AND MY BIG MOUTH
Three times it led to marriage, and twice it led to divorce!

GETTING OLDER
On getting older, one "lowers his sights."
These days my ambition is to get my shoes on the right feet
in the morning, and to remember to take out the garbage
on the right day of the week.

MY EPITAPH
The Lord has been mighty good to me and so has my wife.

THOUGHTS AFTER HURRICANE WENDY (2005)
In Florida we get to play the "game of chance" in a big way, without having to go to Las Vegas.

STAGES OF LIFE
When young, we took our delights in doing the things we shouldn't do.

LIFE
I take life seriously, but I refuse to do it 100% sober.
Now that we are old, we take our delights in doing the things we should do.

RESPONSIBILITIES
An old person without responsibilities is as pathetic as a young person with them.

EXPERTS
It has been my experience that people, who are ignorant in a matter, cover it up with a profusion of bullshit.

MARRIAGE IN BAGHDAD
When Azza got married she had only one big wish--
that she would have a husband without a lot of bullet holes in him.

MY FAVORITE SAYING (Mexican)
The only thing you get for free in life is the milk from your mother's tit. You may not get even that if she's American!

CIVILIZATIONS AND CULTURES-
What places one culture above another is how personal and ethnocentric they are in dealing with greed. Higher cultures value those members, who, enrich the lives of others through intangibles, more than those who bring home the biggest kill.

OLD AGE
Old Age is great, if you dig earwax, thrill at the warm tickle of pee running down your balls, and you admire nose hair.

BEST QUOTE ABOUT LIFE-
There is no difficulty in being good. Every man and woman of mankind is as evil as he or she is capable of being and dares to be. It is the less capable, more timorous persons who are called good, and then only by default. The least capable, most fainthearted of all are called saints, and then usually first by themselves.
The Journeyer by Gary Jennings.

RULES
One rule I live by-- never use deodorant.
If God wanted me to smell like a flower then He would have
given me a stamen instead of a penis!

GLUTTONY
Isn't Temptation the work of the Devil?
And isn't it an act of Charity to remove Temptation from your own path as well as the path of others? Then how can you doubt that I would eat a pound of chocolates at one sitting?

THESE DAYS
It seems that young men get in trouble sticking things in themselves, or sticking their "things" into something.

FAMILY LIFE
Our children learned the value of many things but not the value of money.

HISTORY
The best authors of fiction are historians.

HISTORICAL FICTION
Historical fiction consists of imaginative stories woven about real people and events of the past.

HISTORY
History consists of imaginative stories woven about real people and events of the past.

M & M's
After 87 years I have finally found a reasonable substitute.
for mother's milk- the Showket San Giovese wines.

WAR PROTEST
Where were the war protesters when America invaded the Middle East?
Ans. At home reading the Torah and making prayers of thanksgiving.

THESE DAYS
It seems to me that these days that people saying, "I love you" are mostly guilty husbands and neglectful mothers.

WHO SAID
Sloth and Indolence will get you nowhere? They get you back in bed

I ASKED A FRIEND A QUESTION
Would you rather spend your lifetime with CHEAP woman and EXPENSIVE booze, or would you rather spend it with EXPENSIVE women and CHEAP booze? He said it would be easier to answer if I had asked which he would have liked better--
Spending it with BAD women and GOOD booze, or with BAD booze and GOOD women.

FOR PEACE OF MIND
It's better to be on the edge of "skinny" than on the edge of fat."

BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU WISH FOR
I prayed not to be burdened with a senile wife.
I got my wish-- I died!

EXCEPTIONAL
I'm Exceptional, not exceptionally good nor exceptionally bad.
I'm exceptional. So are you, just like all God's creatures.

WHERE ARE YOU?
Ya Harun, Ya abu Newas, Ya Ja'afar, whencum?
Fi al khumar ahna ga'deen suwa.

FAVORITE QUOTE
"I am not a cynic, but I do know that history is the propaganda of the victor." Louis de Bernieres. Captain Corelli's Mandolin, 1999

BEING OLD IS NOT TOO BAD
Just too brief.

IF YOU'RE UNLUCKY
Your wife is left-handed like mine.
They all wind the twist-ties on the bread in the wrong direction.

PARABLE
Give a hungry man a fish and he will fill his stomach
Give him a beer and he doesn't give a shit!

THE IRISH
It's not true that Irishmen want to marry a woman just like their mother.
They want to marry a woman that would be like a good mate for their Dad

WINE TASTING
When any wines taste like "Raspberry, Cherry, and Chocolate, I'll switch to malted milk shakes.

OLD!!!
When you get to be 90, it's like sitting perilously on the top of Mt. Everest. You know you can't go much higher, but you sure can go down in a hurry!

AMBIVALENCE
Ambivalence begins at birth in having to decide Which tit to lick first.

PARENTS
How can you trust parents who tell you, "If you keep on doing that you'll go blind by the time you're sixteen."

SOARING
Great wine, like classical music, should be enjoyed in solitude so that worldly distractions don't interfere with your soaring.

DECISIONS
The only decisions I regret are those I made while sober.
In my cups I am freed to dream of "what could be."
Without my cups I would never have known the wonderful world
that has enriched my life so. I would have been unable to soar.

LITTLE GIRLS
Where are my little girls? Where did you go?

CYNICAL WISDOM
Nobody can be as ungrateful as a person indebted to you.

RELIGIOUS ETHICS
The Protestant in me tells me that I should get up in the morning and do something. The Muslim in me gets up and then does something-- goes back to bed.

ARE YOU A GOOD PERSON?
I know I am because when I see someone cut himself
my anal sphincter contracts violently. Or as you doctors say, "My asshole puckers."

BAGHDAD
The good old Baghdadi life-- Sloth, Indolence, and chi!

PEACE
Peace is the dreaded enemy of all subject-people in occupied lands. The successful invaders speak of peace even while they enjoy their spoils.

IMPERIALISM AND SOCIAL DISORDER
Imperialism always produces inequality and injustice.
Imperialism is responsible for counter attacks against its institutions.
Imperialism wants to maintain control, not bring lasting peace.
When Imperialism appeals for peace it lies because it really is promoting control. Imperialism will do anything to maintain status quo.

TRANSITIONS
Dying can't be any more difficult than becoming a teenager. Neither for yourself nor for those who love you,

THE DILITANT
The dilettante pretends to enjoy chess, classical music, and fine wines but the meager time he devotes to each betrays the lie. Each is a jealous mistress that requires full devotion.
It has to be given with love and gladness.

FREUD
I bet Freud wishes he said it first--
When you smother a fire you create lots of smoke ("repression")

OLD AGE
The decent into old age would be unbearable if it weren't accompanied by Sloth and Indolence.

BEER
I've traveled to more than a hundred countries , and
I have never found a beer there that I didn't like.

SUPPORT THE TROOPS
Support the politician who wants to double the "rum rations" for the troops. They need it to quiet their consciences.

FREEDOM
Those who are most vocal about defending "freedom" usually are the ones who are concerned about their own freedom to restrict the freedom of others.

GETTING OLDER
Getting older is like being a kid crawling out on a skinny tree branch. You keep on going even though you know a crash is inevitable.

GOOD NEWS
The Dr. told me it would be OK to start smoking again.

NEW ENGLAND MARRIAGES
My mother and father had a typical New England marriage.- Marriage is a serious business, and you don't let sentiment enter into business.

SUCCESSFUL?
I feel as sorry for the "successful" man as I do for the "unsuccessful;"perhaps, more so. The "successful' man is covered with psychological bruises from fitting into the social mold.

COLONOSCOPIES
Colonoscopies stink!

DAUGHTER'S GRATITUDE TO THE OLD MAN
I thank you for giving me life, although I know this was a task you well enjoyed. Along that vein, I am eternally grateful for the mother you picked for me.
Thank you for the loving family, for the wonderful siblings (all six of them) and helping to keep us close with the California family.
Thank you for deciding to move to and raise your family in Florida.
It was one of the best decisions you ever made.
Thank you for raising me with what are now called "old fashioned" values: accountability, responsibility, respect and hard-work.
Thank you for your interest in other cultures/languages/travel which has opened and continues to keep my eyes, heart and mind open.
Thank you for my education, which has fed my family and helped many others along the way.
Thank you for being there when I needed you most.

BAGHDAD
The two best things I brought back from Baghdad were
Azza and dishdasas, not necessarily in that order of importance.

MY HOME THESE DAYS
Chaos in the midst of luxury

GOOD NEWS
At my age the only good news I hope for is that there is no bad news.

MY MARRIAGE
It takes two to tango, and it takes two to duel.

ACCOMODATION IN MARRIAGE
We keep the peace in my marriage. My wife agreed to stop complaining about my cooking, and I agreed to stop pissing in the soup.

COLOSOSTOMIES
Colostomies stink!

US REALLY OLD FOLKS---
It has become increasingly obvious that we are headed down a one-way, dead-end street and no U-turns are allowed.

THE GOOD OLD DAYS!
Whenek ya Saddam?

MISSED ANOTHER BULLET
I woke up this morning looking at the green side of the turf.

DEAR FRIENDS AND OLD ENEMIES
never die completely.

SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE
"Daddy, I still hate taking out the garbage!"

TOMBSTONE
Just put on my tombstone,
"Worn-Out Used-Parts Bin"

SAY SOMETHING NICE
If you can't think of anything nice to say in my obituary say, "He had a hearty sneeze to the last."

ST. EMILON
Dying presents no great hardship once the supply of Bordeaux St. Emilion 2005 is exhausted.

AT THE AGE OF 90
La tercera edad, que gustosa! No hay obligaciones ni responsibilidades. No hay mas que divertirse.

PATRIOTISM
Americans seem to think invading other peoples' countries is "patriotic." I think it's barbaric.

LONG LIFE
God has given me a long life span. It is befitting that I be grateful and live it joyously. At the same time I can serve as an example by encouraging others.

GOD MADE PEOPLE
to amuse us.

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE ONE FOOT ON A BANANA PEEL?
Pretty good! Bugger your liver, Bugger your kidneys. Bugger your heart. In fact, bugger everybody!

MARRIAGE
Two assholes entangled to eternity.

FUNERAL
Just got back from Shirley's funeral. Please don't make my family sit through a similar ordeal with mine. Just throw the dirt in my face and get it over with. We were what we were and are what we are. Bullshit won't change it.

TIME
Time becomes your enemy when you are no longer young.

POLITICS
Political ravings are an obfuscation of evil doing.

FRIENDS
Let me be known by the quality of my friends, not the quantity.

SUMMING IT ALL UP
I couldn't have had a better life!

WORLD POLITICS
This would be a better world if there were more fucking, and less talking.

MY FAMILIES
My mother's family (New England) never did anything after dark except pray. My father's family (French) never did anything after dark except screw. Guess whose genes I got?

HOW PATHETIC CAN A DRINKER GET?
I look with pity and the greatest disdain upon the drinker, who needs his daily fix of vodka and ginger ale. He drinks the alcohol distilled from potatoes and/or corn, mixed with an artificially flavored fluid. His drink has neither history nor romance, only the intent of bringing on insensibility. I pity him his brutish existence and his death of desperation. Just think, he could have known the love of the grape!

MY CHILDREN
Please forgive me as I descend into senility.

LOVE
Love of the grape is different from the need for alcoholic oblivion, but not very.

CREATIONISM
I must remember to ask a Creationist why God made human sex so messy, instead of sweet-smelling and powdery like flowers.

THE SECRET
The secret of being a viable alcoholic is to keep the alcoholic level low enough so it won't destroy your precious organs, but, high enough to maintain a buzz.

GARLIC
A man, who reeks of garlic, is a happy man.

INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS
Too many of us so called "good guys"
are doing too many horrible things to the "bad guys"

FOREIGN POLITICS
Politicians usually are not "Good Guys, ", or "Bad Guys." In the struggle for political control. They are merely "Friends" or "Enemies."

LOOKING BACK
You don't regret what you did do as much as what you didn't do.

MONEY
Money is a curse if you don't have it. Money is a curse- if you do have it.

SIMPLE CLASSIFICATION OF PEOPLE
Women are silly with a few who are not.
Men are unbearable with a few who are not.

MEETING OUR MAKER
We all meet our Maker in our own way.Some of us strap bombs to our waists, others bravely face the bullets. Others seek to hide the horrors of mankind by drinking themselves into oblivion.

MARTYRS
Martyrs are what we would have been if we had the courage.

OPINIONS
People with opinions are about as welcome as ants at a picnic.

COUNTRY
These country-western characters are nothing more than dirt farmers,hoping to kick enough mud off their boots to be mistaken for truck drivers or cowboys.

WINE RECOMMENDATION FOR THE NEW ENTHUSIAST
This wine is very smooth on the palate. It bathes the tongue with delicious inducements of promises of what's to come. Never harsh or crude, with the first sip more like a liquor blended by the fairies. As it slides past your lips you get the whiffs of fruit aroma at its best, inviting you to taste more. Best of all, there is no strong alcoholic taste to conflict with the fruit flavors. Mid-flavors are no less exotic. Now, at the peak of its flavor it bathes you in mystical dreams. The word "ambrosia" comes to mind. They linger long past the first sip to guide you gently into the lovely finish. This wine from the heartland of America embodies everything that is good and wonderful about America. The spacious vineyards that produce it, allow the roots of the vine to stretch out at leisure in search of its precious ingredients. The ambiance provides such an amount of sun that vineyards world-over are envious. Continuing with the tasting- you will never be disappointed. The lovely, exotic fruit flavors continue to express their enchantment. Filled with fruit to the last taste, you will love this wine. Nor are you shorted by a brief after-taste. This wine goes on and on giving you great value for the money. And no need to worry about vintage year. This wine is of the same perfect standard regardless of vintage. Sure, there are minor differences between vintage but each of the wines will wrap around your tongue in quiet caress. You may not find this precious wine in the wine section of your supermarket, but do not despair. Us wine lovers prefer that it be hidden among the bottles on the fruit juice shelf. You will recognize the bottle by the words on it, "Welsh's Grape Juice." WG98 points.

I'M FINE
Don't worry about me, I'm fine. I'm greasing the shoot with Bordeaux.

HOW OTHERS SEE US
A new friend of Azza's came to the door. I greeted her wearing my usual dishdasha and araqcheen on my head. It livened up my day to see the look on her face! Either she thought she had entered the fantasy world of the Arabian Nights or she had stumbled onto a terrorist nightmare-- probably the latter.

THE IRISH
The greatness of the Irish lies not in the number of countries they have conquered, but in the number of hearts they have won.

YOU COULD HAVE BEEN BORN IN A TRAILER PARK

REWARDING LONGEVITY
All people over 90 should be allowed to spend their afternoons smoking raw opium.

I'LL DIE
I'll absolutely die if my throat is cut and I can't drink St, Emilion Bordeaux wine.

MY WIFE
I traveled the whole world to find the best. What would I want from the rest?

YOUTH
The ingratitude of today's youth stems from their comparing their life circumstances to what they could have, rather than what they would have had 50 years ago.

MY KIND OF WINE
I don't want a Great wine.
I don't want a Marvelous wine.
I don't want a Serious wine.
I don't want an Unbelievable wine.
I don't want an Impressive wine.
I don't want a Delightful wine.
I don't want a Lovely wine.
I don't want an Interesting wine.
I don't want a Delicious wine.
I want an ELEGANT 2005 wine from St. Emilion

LIVING 'TILL 90
People ask me, to what I owe my long life. I answer...The secret to my longevity is to abstain from all non-alcoholic drinks.

REVOLUTIONS
Battles are won by people , but revolutions are won by time. The real martyrs of the revolution are those lost in the futile, early battles. Their tombstones mark the path to a successful revolutionary change that could only come later, at a more appropriate time, that they would never see.

BLESSED
Talk about being blessed. You know the TV drama with a 70-year old man sitting in his wheel chair. His eyes light up when his nurse brings him an ounce of brandy mixed with water, as his "delight" of the day. My "delight" of the day is a full bottle of St. Emilion Bordeaux with no nurse.

GRAPES
God gave us grapes and the time to enjoy them. Gracias a Dios. Al hamdu lil Allahi!

MISSING YOU
Physical separation is only a barrier between strangers, not between friends. Friends join together in common reminiscences with their feelings of love. Space may separate them, but only briefly, until they can clasp one another once again.

I'M CERTAIN
I'm Certain that I love my wife, God, Islam, my children, sex, St. Emilion wine, and Puerto Morelos. I'm just not too sure of the order.

MEETING LIFE'S GOALS
It's easy to meet life's goals if you keep readjusting them. Now that I am old I usually set my goal as getting from the wall on one side of a room to that on the other without collapsing.

OH, OMAR KHAYAM!
Why did it take me so long to understand what you said so eloquently many years ago? You knew that water was not the universal solvent. No, it was wine! The barriers of time dissolve progressively with each additional cup of wine.
Even though my body is limited by the circumstances of today, wine cuts the bonds of time that separate me from the glorious world of my past. In my cups, I am once again in our Baghdad of unimaginable gratifications-- not those of the body but of the spirit. The joys of revisiting the delights of the past may be only an illusion, yet they still feed my hungry soul. Alas, our Baghdad is no more, yet for some of us it will always exist in our hearts to help block out a recognition of the evils and hopelessness of the present world.

THE GOOD LIFE
Enjoying the delight of importing St. Emilion wine from France gives me a slight feeling of the omnipotence that the Amazon "rubber barons" had when the sent their dirty clothes to Lisbon for washing.

THESE DAYS
My wife and I admire one another like blind moles. We communicate like earthworms.

ALCOHOL
One time I gave up wine drinking. It was the worst day of my life! (Adapted from Norm on Cheers)

I'M OLD, NOT SICK
Don't tell me, "I hope you get better."
It shows a failure to acknowledge that aging is a one way street.

THESE DAYS
When I was young I dreamed of living in Bora Bora.
Now that I am older I dream of living in a Bordeaux winery that has Wi Fi.

FEEL SORRY FOR ME
I'm an alcoholic, for whom nobody ever felt sorry. Perhaps, if I had received more sympathy I would have been a more successful alcoholic.

AZZA
Azza, you light up my life and decorate my home. Thank you!

LOW BLOOD PRESSURE
Thank God for low blood pressure. When my family is assisting me in walking they never are sure whether I'm suffering from low blood pressure or staggering from drunkenness.

AMERICA
America is primarily a Successful country. Only secondarily, is it a Great country.

IGNORANCE
There are many reasons for a person to be ignorant, but there are few reasons to remain ignorant. You can look up answers to your questions on GOOGLE.

THESE DAYS I'M BECOMING
Like an old whore, who gets more done lying on her back, than by running around wearing herself out.

CONFUCIOUS SAY:
An orgasm is worth a thousand words.

POLITICIANS
Don't trust politicians , who smile too much.
Don't trust politicians, who don't smile very much.

MISSIONARIES
Once the missionaries appear, the exploiters won't be far behind.

WHEN I WAS A KID
We used to learn about sex by playing "Doctors and Nurses." Now kids learn by playing "Husband and Wife."

PARANOIDS
Don't be paranoid about others, but, do be paranoid about paranoids.

SPEAKING SOFTLY
I notice that now that I am in my 90's, young people speak to me more respectfully. In fact they speak so gently that I can hardly hear them!

HOMOPHOBIA
I love to go to a bar and jerk the guys around by their homophobias.

ILLUSIONS
It's only us humans, who have illusions.
Cats know who the world really belongs to.

RIDICULOUS
As ridiculous as selling candy in resealable bags.

LIFE
Life is like a tomcat chasing a pussy up one tree and down the other,
until he catches her.

LIFE
Life is like a tomcat chasing a pussy cat up one tree and down the other, until she catches him

LIFE
Life is wonderful if you're not nailed to the one spot.

GOD'S SECRET
Now I know God's big secret. He makes babies of all species adorable
so that their mothers have to love them.

GENEOLOGY
I looked up my genealogy and learned that some of the Howland family may be related to me, but not all of them. Thank God!

THE FATE
of us old men is to lie back upon our couches and drink our wine and dream of the past, and of the future we will never see.

TRUTH
The greatest truths I have learned have been from the Arabs not from the West.

DEATH
The death of one enemy is as big a loss to my God
as is the death of one of our own troops.

WISDOM
There's nothing so bad it can't get better. There's nothing so good it can't get worse.

WINE RATINGS
For those of you, who are trying to understand about numerical ratings of wines--
They range from "spit out" to 100. 90 is an excellent rating. It means that 90 times out of the 100 times that I opened the bottles, I finished all of it in one sitting.

HEARING AIDS
The chief benefits from wearing a hearing aid are; it amplifies the ambient noise and discourages people from wasting their time talking to a deaf person.

DRUNKS
It's too bad that drunks give us "drinkers" such a bad name.

AZZA
Azza, I adore you beyond words.

MUSLIM CULTURE
I love the customs in the Muslim world. The people talk about everyone else's business and they don't pretend to be "Good Christians."

BEING OLD
Being old is like standing at the rim of the Grand Canyon.
You see that the next forward step is going to be bottomless.

REVENGE
I'm determined to go on sucking the Social Security tit dry.

FOOD CHAIN
How fortunate we are to be born at the top of the food chain!
We could have been a plankton waiting for the next sweep of a whale. or a fruit fly enjoying the few hours of life allotted to us.

THE ODDS
Much of the gratification in reaching an old age comes from "beating the odds," something you could never do as a youngster.

LIFE
Life is good! I'm back from Mexico and sucking on a Bordeaux tit, again.

DYING
The worst part about dying is that it is like leaving the ballgame at the end of the 8th inning. You won't ever know how the game turned out.

ADHESIVES
The early civilizations used urine, feces, egg, and milk to hold together their structures. What kind of a base is that for future civilizations to build on?

BENJEMAN FRANKLIN
Should have said: "A small debt, unpaid, becomes a very large debt."

ELECTRONIC WORLD
If you don't have antennae in our world of today, you don't exist.

AMBITION
Ambition is the big "spoiler" in life. Too little and you live an impoverished life. Too much is even worse, you live tormented by your ravenous demons.

LOVE THAT BOB
I read about BOB in the Ladies' Home Companion magazine.
BOB never says "No.".
BOB is never in a hurry.
BOB never gets his feelings hurt.
BOB always is ready to go again.
BOB never leaves the job half done.
BOB never gets tired and poops out.
BOB never wastes time on idle chatter.
BOB never wonders if he's big enough.
BOB doesn't make unreasonable demands.
BOB doesn't feel he has to prove anything.
BOB always is charged up and ready to go.
BOB never talks about you behind your back.
BOB doesn't need one of those rubber things.
BOB doesn't waste time messing with Viagra.
BOB never gets moody and gives you a hard time.
BOB never compares you with others he has known.
BOB never brings home sexually-transmitted diseases.
BOB doesn't embarrass you by giving the details to others.
BOB minds his own business except when you push a button.
(Battery-Operated Buddy)
Love that BOB!

ENJOY
Joy is best enjoyed together. Sadness is best enjoyed apart.

WISHES
When I was young I used to wish I wouldn't have to listen to my wife's constant nagging. I got my wish. Now I'm deaf.

ALTZHEIMER'S DISEASE
I meet a new, interesting person every morning--my wife.

FAMILY
The mutual admiration of father and son can only be matched by the gentle affection between mother and daughter.

ANTI-SEMITISM
I'm afraid my anti-Semitism remarks will harm my chances of winning a political office in the future.

IT USED TO BE
It used to be that you could pat a neighbor's cute little 2-year old on the butt in a show of affection. Now you're a predator. What happened?

THANKS!
Another day of leisure thanks to the labor of our slaves.

THE GOOD LIFE
I think it's good to live in America if you have money and they don't stand you up against a wall and shoot you.

GOALS
Men destroy the maidens' virtuous qualities that they love

PLANNING
When I was a young man I used to plan. Now I drink and what will happen will happen.

DIFFERENCE IN CULTURES
To be called "gentle" in the ancient Greek culture was a compliment. To be called "gentle"" in the old Roman culture was an insult.

THE RICH
The wealthy are destined to be pursued by self-serving rogues and despicable relatives.

LOVE
I have occasionally experienced the ardent furor of attraction for another women. But, I have always contained the fire with a love of wife and family that can conquer all temptations

ORPHANS
Too many American children are orphans before they are born.

COMMUNICATION
It is often more important to exchange feelings of friendship than it is to communicate information.

IN THE TROPICS
In the Tropics, I was awakened by the noise of NO rain on the roof.

SEXUAL PREFERENCES
If you want to learn about innate sexual preferences,
go look at a cage full of monkeys for an hour.

THE PATRIARCH
Like most patriarchs. I have the last say, but I say what my wife tells me to say.

HAVING FUN
"I just realized I don't have to kill millions of people to have fun." George W Bush.

ETHNIC DIFFERENCES
You may think I make too much of the ethnic differences between groups. Perhaps you are like those who so desperately want all people to be equal that you would deny them the right to be different. We should ponder and enjoy ethnic differences just as we enjoy the God-given variety in a flower garden.

VICTIMS
Combat victims are deceived so that that politicians can laud their sacrifices.

FUN
When you get to be my age, fun is what other people have.

PSYCHOLOGISTS
Psychologists are people, who understand the behavior of others.
Psychologists are people, who believe they understand the behavior of others.
.
SUPREMACY
Spears win the battle but eventually lose the war to culture.

WORDS
Words are the sand that politicians and priests use to blind the people.

PROBLEMS
Some of our most perplexing problems can be solved by ignoring them,

FEAR
Fear not the encounters of the day, for it is the hidden fears that will do you in.

SALESMAN
He could sell sandals to an amputee.

OPINION
You want my opinion? I have opinions on everything and they're all negative.

PILGRIMAGE
A pilgrimage is made with the mind and soul, not with the feet.

SELF-PROMOTION
If a person has to advertise himself, he doesn't have much to sell.

HISTORY
We should do everything in our power to see that events of the past conform to history as we teach it.

LAWYERS
Lawyers are the infectious germs that the Romans brought with them in their quest for empire.

WEALTH
Strive not for wealth for it will deceive thee.

WINE
Thank God for the grape; it blunts the memory of old unpleasantnesses and enhances the
erception of present joys!

PRETENTIONS
He was like the King's servant, who lags behind in the throne room so he can try on the crown

THANK YOU!
Thank God, Islam relieved me from the yoke of Christianity!

GRAY
Things are black and white to the young. To the old they are shades of gray.

STRANGERS
As I warn my children-- the real danger in talking to strangers is that you might befriend them.

GOOD PEOPLE
Don't you hate it when BAD people do BAD things to GOOD people?
I hate it even more when GOOD people do GOOD things to BAD people.

FUN
When you get to be my age, fun is what other people have.

PRETENTIONS
I hate anybody, who drives around in a Porsch (e) and drinks Chi tea.

HAPPY NEWS
For my Quebec fur-trapping ancestors-- We finally made our way down to the salubrious Florida ambiance. Rejoice with us!

HOME
Home is where you want to be if you don't have one.
It's the place you dream of for ending your days and giving thanks to God.

WHAT DID HE SAY?
Obfuscation obscures confusion.

Author's note: Apologies if some of these musings look familiar. Most were created by me, a few were borrowed. No doubt I heard some of the items that were similar to mine but I didn't recall the source that deserves the credit.